Cheaters in Romance I: A Dealbreaker?
No one who has seen Fatal Attraction can forget the consequences of cheating, but that’s not a romance.
As expected, romance readers have a natural aversion to the concept of cheating. You get so invested in the emotional journey of the main characters getting together, then WHAM-BOFF-KAPOW! –the author lets one of them go off and have sex—or worse, actual feelings—with someone else! I’ve known people to throw books across the room when this happens. It’s pretty much a no-no in romance novels, right?
Or is it? Is all cheating the same? I think there are many cheating scenarios, some of which are okay and some of which are very, very bad. Are there stories in which you’ll accept cheating by one of the heroes? Being a particularly poll-happy person, I’d love to get your opinion on the topic, and I’ll discuss the results in a later blog.
[poll id=”26″]
I’m sure I’ve left out some, but these are the scenarios I’ve seen or can think of at the moment. Feel free to leave comments. I’d love your comments, because the next blog is going to discuss your opinions of the topic.
And just what is cheating?
[poll id=”27″]
Next time, I’ll discuss the results and whether or not you can still have a HEA in a story with cheating.
Thanks!
Leave a comment, then stop by and read Cheaters II: A new twist on cheating
28 Responses to “Cheaters in Romance I: A Dealbreaker?”
Trackbacks/Pingbacks
- Cheaters and Romance: What do you think? – Shira Anthony - [...] and fellow Dreamspinner Press author, E.m. Lynley, has a lively discussion of cheaters on her blog this week. She’s…
Leave a Reply
For me it’s all about the story. Anything that makes the story interesting and moves me is good. It’s not like it’s MY boyfriend 😉
You are definitely in the minority on this topic! Most readers have specific limits and they rarely tolerate the MCs cheating on each other. Some get upset if one cheats because it means he’s a cheater and might cheat on the other. Some can’t bring themselves to like a cheater. I thought it would be interesting to see where people draw the lines.
Thanks for commenting!
It might be a question of readers expectations in the romance genre. I look at books like movies, or tv dramas, so I expect to be moved by them and it doesn’t always have to be good feelings 😉 Some of the best stories I’ve read/seen were the ones that pushed the boundaries of what’s acceptable. As an author, I don’t think you have to cave in to expectations. Sometimes it’s better be more polarizing for the readership.
I have some readers that hate cheating and always talked about it in comments. They would bitch about how nasty a character is, ‘how dare he!’… and come back for the next chapter. 😀
Cheers!
Hi Kat,
I believe it is all about the expectation and the genre, which is why I asked about romance in specific. Fatal Attraction is not a romance, and it does push people’s emotional buttons, but the story explores the concept of infidelity. A reader wanting a romance is probably less likely to be interested in pushing their limits in regards to fidelity. They might want their emotions tugged by different issues, but when it comes to the main characters, the norm is for them to only have eyes for each other.
I don’t think one has to cave to expectations, but the issue is very clear for some readers, so an author shouldn’t be surprised when there are some very story reactions to certain situations. Some authors, like Lichen, were surprised how much readers were upset. Others don’t care, but in general, the less focused on romance the story is, the less it’s an issue. Many “romance” novels are really more of another genre so their readers might not have such strong expectations, or might forgive them since their needs and expectations are satisfied by the other storyline and they trust it will get sorted out in the end.
Thanks for commenting.
What do you think about the, all the more common, aspect of books crossing genres? How do you communicate that to the reader?
Great question and one that could easily be another whole topic of description. This is really difficult. I write a mix of romance/adventure/mystery and I try to get that across by the blurbs. I don’t focus on the MCs and their relationship, but mention the action/mystery elements as well so readers know (I hope) that it’s not just a love story but that the non-romance storyline is just as important. I also make sure my books are in the other genre categories at the distributors. But I found if I don’t emphasize the romance enough, they just don’t seem to sell as well. I guess it depends what your other genres are. Paranormal isn’t really an issue but some of the others are. And since I write about gay characters, I can’t really transition so easily into more mainstream adventure romance. I have to hope readers who like my mix tell their friends and it’s slow going. Some publishers do better at targeting the sub-genre niches.
Wow, I love this article! Cheating was a major issue with readers in my novel, Gentlemen’s Game. Most readers loved the book and understood the infidelity. A few were furious. LOL As you so intelligently point out, each situation is different. Morality is black and white in theory, but often gray in practice.
Hi Lichen and thanks for stopping by! You have discovered this can be a very touchy subject for some readers. I wondered just what situations readers thought were okay. So far it seems it’s OK if the MCs are cheating with each other, or at least not cheating on each other. And it’s almost always OK for gay/bi characters to cheat on women. Some stories call for cheating or it brings out changes the characters need to go through to see the light. But the end does not always justify the means in Romance-land.
Morality is black and white in theory, but often gray in practice.
A very elegant way of stating it. 🙂
Okay this is going to sound bad but this is book land so I guess it’s okay, lol. Since I just read M/M it doesn’t bother me if he has a girlfriend and he messes with the other MC not that I actually want them to cheat but I find I accept that one more. One that’s hard for me to read is if the MC’s cheat on each other after they get together. The misunderstanding cheating, the let me see if I’m really gay cheating etc. Once they get their connection I don’t like them to lose it, but that’s just me because I read to escape real life so I tend to be choosy:-) That’s what I love about reading though we all have different taste and what we like and don’t like:-) Nothing is really wrong in book land it’s just want a person prefers:-)
Hi Leaundra!
Thanks for stopping by. I think your expectations are in line with most romance readers. I have discovered that in M/M it seems to be okay to cheat on the GF. The issue is less about whether cheating is bad but that the MCs shouldn’t cheat on each other. Once they find they are in love, then the idea of cheating on each other wouldn’t even cross their minds, right? 😀
Do you stop reading if you find the MCs cheat on each other? What if they sort it out and everything is better than ever?
What’s “misunderstanding cheating”? That one thinks the other cheated, but was wrong? Or is there another definition?
I actually keep reading because I can’t just stop reading hehe. I have read a book where the cheating I’m not crazy about happens and it actually was a great read. I guess I don’t want to know before hand. The misunderstood cheating where they don’t talk to each other and they make assumptions about how the other feels about them and maybe go off get drunk or say I’ll show them and mess with someone else:-) In real life all this cheating would be bad but in book land I can justify it, lol
So much depends on the situation. If the guy being cheated on is a nice guy who believes they have a good relationship, and then the cheater hooks up with a better guy, I don’t care for it because I feel badly for the first guy who got burned and I don’t want the cheater to be happy. However if the current BF is abusive, a jerk, doesn’t treat him well, then I could care less and am happy to push the cheater into the arms of the better guy. So there is no hard and fast rule. But if an author makes the person being cheated on sympathetic, I’m unlikely to forgive the cheater for breaking his heart.
I think slips can be forgiven, but long term relationships with another person with an emotional connection is not going to be easy to let go. Either in real life or in fiction. 🙂 I do not however subscribe to the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Lots of people cheat only once in their lives, either a poor decision in the moment, or they truly find the right person for them but don’t do the honorable thing by breaking it off by their current relationship first. However I imagine if you’ve cheated with great regularly, then … yeah, good luck with that.
Hi Tam,
Thanks for stopping by. You really add a lot of nuance to the issue. Much of it depends on the characters themselves and the situations and how much we’ve invested emotionally in the character and the relationship. It’s easy to see why readers get very upset. I can also see situations with the one-time cheat who learns his lesson and becomes a better person. I do know some readers won’t still around to the end of the story to see how it all works out.
Do you stop reading if someone cheats on the sweet guy, or will you want to see how it works out? Do you avoid reading a book if other readers or reviewers say there is cheating?
Thanks!
No, I’ve not stopped reading the couple of times it’s happened, but I do tend to end the book a bit grumbly with “why did HE get a happy ending when poor BF#1 is stuck off by himself?” I will avoid it if I find out that the guy did cheat in that situation, sort of “for no good reason”. There is a book with a couple I really enjoyed, and then I found out in the sequel they broke up, boy #1 went “away” and boy #2 found his HEA. When I asked around to find out WHY they broke up, there was no good reason, seemed boy #1 just wanted different things. Yes, this happens in real life all the time BTDT have the t-shirt, but I don’t want it in my romance. There seemed to be no point to it as there was no indication in the first book that they might split, they were happy. I refused to read the sequel and it did color my opinion of the first book. I still read that author, it’s one book. Other cheating I take it book by book. Immortality is the Suck. Adam was the biggest cheating asshole of assholes. And I loved that book and loved Adam even if I wanted to bop him upside the head. So it really varies, but in a straight contemporary, with a nice guy left behind? Eh. Menage anyone? 😉 That could solve my problems.
Tbh cheating doesn’t bother me in romance books, it happens in real life so if its part of the story and we end up with a HEA or an ending I am satisfied with then I am okay. I certainly wouldn’t boycott a story simply because I main character cheated on another. Everything depends on the plot.
Hi Josie,
Thanks for stopping and commenting! I was glad to see a lot of readers felt the same way.
I’m bothered by infidelity, but if it’s purely sexual, I feel that mature people can get past it, if they’re willing. And open relationships aren’t the same as cheating, to my mind. But if a character falls in love with someone else, that really bothers me, even if they stay with the other MC.
Great comment, Jamie. You’re right that whatever the scenario, it has to get resolved in an adult way, not sweeping the problem under the carpet and moving on to HEA. I don’t think it’s possible and as a reader I feel cheated when the story wraps up too smoothly. The cheater needs to sort his issues out and the wronged partner can’t just forgive him and forget it or it’s not realistic. I love seeing characters work these things out and go through some pain, and it’s okay if the cheater learns his lesson. Otherwise, yeah I might throw the book too!
Thanks for stopping by to the discussion.
I find for me it really depends on the story and the characters involved. I can picture a scenario where the main character, in a steady relationship with a woman, discovers feelings for a male character and acts upon them–if this realization that he is really gay or bi is part of the story you’re trying to tell. Yes, it is cheating, and yes, people are going to get hurt, but that is part of this particular story.
Casual cheating? Not so much. Cheating out of anger, boredom, availability? Again, not so much. Not unless you can make me understand where that main character is coming from. Cheating in which the characters involved work it out? It would be a tough sell for me, but possible in the right hands, especially if the story was finding your way to trusting someone who had betrayed you. I’m not sure I could do that, TBH, and most of the time in my entertainment, I’m looking for lighter storylines.
I guess whether it bothers me or not matters in part as to how the characters themselves feel about the situation. If the main characters have only just met and there has been no indication of exclusivity, then I don’t consider it cheating–but I know many people who do. All in all, I prefer no cheating. You would have a hard time making me like a MC who cheated. He’d have to be in a really unworkable relationship and meet someone that he had amazing chemistry with–and even so, I’d still be wondering why he didn’t just break up with his current lover *first*.
I don’t know that I’ve ever stopped reading anything because someone cheated on the sweet guy–I would sort of assume that things were going to work out better for him in the end with someone else.
Interesting topic. I’m enjoying everyone else’s answers too. 🙂
I have mixed feelings about MC who cheats on current boy/girlfriend with the other MC before breaking it off with ex and taking up with other MC…I know it happens, and can even result in a great relationship (a couple I knew growing up had both been married to other people when they met; they had some sort of fling, divorced their respective spouses, got married and lived happily ever after.) But I’m always a little dubious… you know, once a cheater always a cheater… so there had better be some pretty good writing involved to convince me that it’s really going to work out in the end for the MCs. 🙂
Great post by the way! I think it’s an interesting topic, certainly something a lot of readers feel very strongly about.
Hi Helen,
Thanks for stopping by to comment. I’ve been surprised by some of the votes and comments, though as the number of people voting increases, fewer seem to be okay with the concept in general. In books, it’s all about how it’s handled, so that means authors have to make it realistic and not just gloss over the issue in a rush to HEA for their MCs.
Hmmm…I’ve never written a story with MC’s cheating on one another. There was a time a MC had his SO break up with him because he couldn’t say “no” to his family, who kept throwing women at him in hope of helping him “finding the right one”. The other guy just up and left after too many “I’ll just take her out to dinner, go through the motions and let her down easy” events.
I guess cheating is always upsetting, but some instances are more understandable than others, and more forgivable than others. For instance, if one MC succored a good friend in a time of grief, well that would be a lot more forgivable than just having a fling out of boredom or curiosity. Being outright seduced is not admirable, but it’s better than being the one who’s out there, looking for some action on the side. Our take on cheating is colored by our gender expectations here, too. According to some polls I’ve read, gay men tend to be less exclusive than het couples in similar relationships, and break up more often because there is less of a tradition of commitment. There were some interviews on that on NPR. If we have any gay guys here who could shed some light on this phenomenon, I’d love to hear how they see it in their real life. We are all individuals, too, and statistics do not represent individual choices.
HI Kate,
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
I also wish we had more than one guy in the discussion. I think men see cheating in a slightly different way than women, and I want to know what it is! And maybe gay men have a different perspective as well. I’m going to go find that NPR story now. I suspect gay men might cheat or break up just because it’s so much harder for them to have a regular long-term relationship since society and laws in general are not supportive. I also believe that for some men that sex and relationships are possibly slightly more separate than for women. It’s why men on business trips cheat or hire hookers. They don’t think sleeping with another woman really affects how they see their wives. I can’t agree, but empirical evidence seems to back that up for some men!
Is it actually considered cheating if one MC cheats way before his story with the other MC even begins? Hmm. Technically I suppose he falls into the possible cheater category, but is this relevant to the current story? Probably not, especially if he no longer practices this type of behavior. If the danger exists, however, then it’s relevant–and a possible schism in the relationship.
I have read very few romances where there’s cheating involved. One of them was Galley Proof, but the MCs are not together at the time, so in my mind it isn’t cheating. You have to be in a committed and exclusive relationship for anything to be constituted as cheating. However… as a reader it bothered me a lot in the story, so I would not necessarily categorize the story as a romance as much as a journey of self-discovery.
Anything from kissing to sex of any variety is cheating. An emotional bond is doubly so, even if nothing physical happens. The only solutions to this that I can reasonably think of is honesty and full disclosure and, if necessary, an open relationship. I’m not sure I label that as a relationship at all if you’re not exclusive, but people and love comes in many shapes and sizes. Who am I to judge? In all things, honesty works best–whether it involves past, present or future cheating.
Hi Susan!
If a character is in a relationship with anyone and he does something sexual, then it’s cheating. He might not be cheating on the other MC, but he’s cheating on his partner. But this is part of the discussion. Do readers care if the MC cheats on someone when he’s not in a relationship with the other MC? Some did and some did not. There are many forms of cheating and each one has different issues and each reader has a reaction to each in a different way. I wanted to explore the limits here.
As you said in Galley Proof the cheating bothered you, even though it was not one MC cheating on another. Some people can’t be trusted in any relationship, and others cheat as a sign there is a problem. If one cheats, then probably it’s not the right partner for him.
As for resolution, sure there needs to be a discussion of the issue, but a lot of times one character just forgives the other and it’s not handled or portrayed in a realistic way. Readers didn’t much like that and it is one of the reasons cheating doesn’t usually work in a romance.
But the discussion has been very interesting.
I agree with Kat – it’s the story that counts. People aren’t perfect, and I like realism in my stories.
Hi Ryal,
Thanks for stopping by. I agree, though it’s clear from the poll that some readers don’t want to see this sort of reality in a romance story, even when it’s handled well. And if it’s not, then that’s when the books (and the author) gets slammed. 😀