Cock Talk
We can’t possibly do justice to this week’s theme without having a contest to find with the best and the worst euphemisms for “penis” that you’ve heard or read.
Purple-prose romances started the trend with quivering manhood and throbbing need and many many other forgettable phrases. Recently, gay and m/m fiction has made it okay to call a cock a cock. But there are still plenty of those ridiculous phrases kicking around–in our memories or in books that don’t take the risk of showing us what goes on behind those closed doors. Thankfully in our books, just about nothing happens behind closed doors. In fact it rarely even happens in bedrooms, and that’s exactly the way we like it!
Please leave a comment with your own entries and feel free to comment on the ones other people mention. I’ll attempt to edit this post keep up with the comments, but if we get too many it might not be possible. Later this week we’ll have a vote on the hottest and the most cringe-worthy phrases.
[WIN: Everyone who comments will be entered to win a copy of “A Heat.Seeking.Missile.” by EM Lynley. Yup, I went there. ]
I’ll start off with one of my (least) favorites, baloney pony. I hope never to see it used in a book or I’ll stop reading immediately. But on its own, it’s pretty damn funny.
My favorite word to use is “cock.” Probably no surprise given the title of this event! I’ve always liked the word–how it sounds, how it feels to say it. In fact, when I moved back to the US from London after grad school, my best friend organized my going-away party at a pub called The Cock. Now, it’s not quite as bad as it sounds…the pub across the street was called The Hen & Chicks. But I still liked the idea of how dirty the name seems on its own!
Click “MORE” to see the list!
The list: baloney pony, disco stick, Purple-headed womb ferret, One-eyed cockatiel, Man axe, Man sword, Manroot, purple-helmeted warrior, one-eyed wonder-worm, distended organ (urg… sounds like a stomach problem), glistening man-tool, tootsie roll, man-meat, man-muscle, jizz-pump, boy parts, marriage tackle (my favorite, actually), trouser snake (hee hee–still brings out my 13 year old virgin), THING, dumb stick (still use that one), schwing thing, boner, woody, flag pole…
24 Responses to “Cock Talk”
Trackbacks/Pingbacks
- EM Lynley's Place » Blog Archive » Cocktoberfest: More to come! - [...] be sure to check out the latest comments in COCK TALK for more of those phrases you hope never…
Leave a Reply
Baloney pony is god-awful, I agree. I also hate “disco stick” from the current song.
As for good ones, frankly I just love the word “penis.” It’s my favorite… LOL I’m going to hunt around for some new entries!
Jon
Jon–OK, I don’t listen to the radio much so I thankfully missed hearing a song that uses “disco stick” ugg.
THanks for sharing that one, I think.
Oookay, you asked for it.
*ahem*
Purple-headed womb ferret ( A favorite of mine, and yes, I’ve used it in a short on a dare. Of course, it’s never seen the light of day.)
One-eyed cockatiel
Man axe
Man sword
Manroot
(this can go on all day)
worst phrase: “His pistol was cocked and loaded…” Uh, there’s cock right freaking there. Just say it, it doesn’t hurt. Cock. Cock. Cock. Ugh.
*righst self* Anyway.
I have to throw the one in for female genitalia too. This one gets me every time. “Glistening beef curtains.” I’ve actually seen that used as an editor and the author didn’t understand why it was a no-no.
And I was reading a m/f book a few months ago where the hero tells the heroine that she is “so creamy”. Really? Is he getting sloppy thirds? Isn’t he supposed to make her creamy or…
People need to stop and consider the visual associations before they write sex scenes.
Or like in a recent m/m I read. The author had one hero almost in what coud be considered a yoga-torture pose. On his back with his legs over his head, his knees touching the ground by his ears. That doesn’t sound fun. It doesn’t even sound like it would be good to look at.
Wow, can you tell this description issue is close to my heart? *g*
Oh Saranna, you have hit on so many great points here. I’m all for keeping food references out of my writing. The beef curtains is enough to make me want to go vegan.
Cocked pistol isn’t as bad as some things here. Now I’ll admit I’ve used “heat seeking missile” as a joke in a story–which has been published. It was a prompt for something a couple of years ago and it’s so damn ridiculous in the context I’ve used it, so it works in terms of humor. But if a guy said that I’d die laughing and I doubt his missile would be getting anything it might be seeking.
As a writer of m/m exclusively and having done a lot of research on the physics and chemistry involved, I absolutely HATE reading scenes that are physically impossible or downright painful for the bottom. You can spot the new writers when you see someone losing his virginity with no lube and loving it. I make sure to have gay men as beta readers so I make sure it all works. In fact I have only ever had one guy say “that might not work.” Ok, that went way off topic. I see another discussion topic coming up though!
purple-helmeted warrior, one-eyed wonder-worm, distended organ (urg… sounds like a stomach problem), glistening man-tool, tootsie roll, man-meat, man-muscle, jizz-pump, boy parts, marriage tackle (my favorite, actually), trouser snake (hee hee–still brings out my 13 year old virgin), THING, dumb stick (still use that one), schwing thing, boner, woody, flag pole…
whew.
But honestly? After all of that? EM, I’m with you. My favorite, still wets-my-granny-panties, is ‘cock’. Simple, real, and gets the job done, just like the thing itself.
Gah, baloney pony! That’s horrible.
The bad: I don’t like man meat (or any variation using the word meat), pole, stick…I know there are more really bad ones, I’ll come back later if I think of them.
The better: cock, dick, erection, penis, shaft (in some circumstances, in others it sounds stupid)
Actually, any word for it can sound stupid if the sex scene is badly done. I gotta say though, if I come across “man meat” I’m guaranteed to giggle like a teenager.
@Jon–I don’t like disco stick either. Ugh.
@ Amy–Tootsie roll? Really? Double ugh.
Worse:
Throbbing manhood, hot-rod, love tool, one-eyed monster serpent-of-love(yes, I have read that in fanfiction) trouser monster, piss pump, jimmy, missile, dong or schlong, wiener, wood or woody, boner, pipesnake, johnson.
I’ll stick with cock and dick. In a pinch I’ll use shaft or erection. I’m not a fan of penis b/c it makes me think clinically like saying vagina would.
Oh, boy, if it appears anywhere on this list: http://www.gregology.net/Gregtionary/dicktionary.php
then I probably hate it. Unless I’m laughing hysterically, which “one-eyed trouser trout” will trigger.
Honestly, If I’m supposed to get aroused from it, don’t use stupid terms.
LMAO PD, one-eyed trouser trout. Haven’t heard that one before, but definitely NOT sexy.
I wonder whether some of the writers who use these terms are really trying to arouse the reader, or simply describe something they seem incapable of describing well at all. I have read a few things written by people who later admitted they’d never had sex, which might account for some of the unbelievable things that get written…. thanks for sharing the link. I’m almost afraid to look!
I heard the one-eyed trouser trout in reality, on a date in high school! I also hate “my little friend”, and this one still makes me laugh~ bunny’s nose~ picture a man pulling his pockets inside out and asking if I want to pet the bunny or kiss it’s nose! I use penis at work, because it’s clinical; but on my own time, it’s cock!
For me it depends a lot on the tone of the story, and the character involved. I can buy nearly anything, no matter how ridic(k)ulous, if it really seems like something the character in question would think/say.
The euphemism that stands out for me – and, to be honest, I can’t say because it’s awful, because it was really more to do with the fact that I was young enough to think “is that about what I think it’s about?” rather than anything else – is “like a one-eyed cat, peepin’ through a sea-food store”.
Yeah.
Turns out, it was about what I thought it was about.
I have to throw this one in because… well. “Purple-headed yogurt slinger.” I don’t remember the context I heard it in, but it’s hilarious… and kind of accurate. If I read it in an erotic context? I’d howl with laughter, and while I’m not averse to laughing during sex, it’d pretty much kill the mood.
“Weiner” makes me cringe… It always makes me think of hot dogs and 12-year-old boys. NOT SEXY.
Most of the above I’m okay with because I assume when I read them that the author used it to make me laugh. (Though, thankfully I have yet to come across one-eyed trouser trout.) What gets on my nerves is when authors use euphemisms in all seriousness and as their primary noun for cock, like “member” and “his sex.” The worst is “stalk.” It always brings to mind a vine from a sentient sci-fi plant creature.
Possibly the freakiest thing I ever read was “old John Henry.”
It was just. so. awkward.
Call me old-fashioned but cock, dick and prick sound good enough to me! 😀
Some weirdo called it a peenstalk… 🙂
Where’s all the man sausages?
Some of the ones that make me laugh are slong, wang, tool, Johnson, pipe… oh, and lightsaber for the Star Wars nerds. xD I think that’s all I can think of at the moment. Cock is my favorite and sometimes dick, depending on the tone and the character that says it.
Hehe…”purple headed yogurt slinger” was from the old teen football movie Varsity Blues. The protag spewed off a long list of peen synonyms. Good times. 😀
I’ve also heard “Gonzo’s nose” and “love banana.”
In one book I read ~ and the female lead was an ‘aspiring’ writer… with really awful prose ~ was purple-helmeted warrior of love… GAH!
Another is ‘love rocket’… uh okay.
Personally anything that’s way out there, unless it’s supposed to be funny as in the first example, get’s a thumbs down from me.
Really… wiener? Man meat? they give me the willies… Oh.. heh… wee willy is another one. Or was that ‘wee willy wagging’? :shudder:
Some of the examples above are either too absurd or just plain tasteless: One-eyed trouser trout? Man, what were these people thinking?
How about ‘Stanley… like the power tool’ … don’t ask.
Personally I like cock (and well, okay I mean that in any way you want to take it, but really it was innocent), dick’s okay… prick? I can live with it. Penis is good ~ I didn’t want my son growing up calling ‘it’ something childish… or really just strange.
And Clancy… hmmm I just read a story yesterday about a peenstalk… and the author’s name…. hmmm. very similar to yours I believe! 😀
Here are a couple that I’ve come across
*tumescent appendage of love
*one eyed serpent
*let’s not forget the old school fave “his manhood” ;P
*tower of love
*his throbbing sword
*his pride and joy… WTF?
I prefer when it’s described as simply as possible… preferable dick, cock or at worst hard-on…shaft or glistening shaft will do in a jiffy as well…
Happy Halloween!!!
I don’t use dick; I know someone who was Little Dick growing up, and his dad was, yup, you guessed it! Big Dick. I do like the phrase ” thinking with his other/little head” as it’s very appropriate! LOL
I’ve also heard someone call his cock Mr. Pryapuss… That one cracked me up. And his wife named his balls Tess and Tickle. And she owned Maam and Mary. This is probably a whole other topic…what couples call their naughty bits (another one of my favorite phrases).
And where did “package” come from? That’s around a lot nowadays.
Oh, Jon, your comment brought back memories. I worked in a pretty high level government agency as an economist and we had 2 people on our staff called “Dick,” one of whom was a presidential appointee. When we had to give status updates at meetings we would say what level our legislation analysis was at, and somebody once replied “Dick-level” meaning it was at the highest level of our group. But of course that didn’t stop all 20 of us laughing our asses off for a good five minutes before anyone could get back on topic.
The other DIck in our group ended up as a good friend of mine. I spent some time with him and his family and one point his dad asked about something and all I can remember is the sister reply “our Dick, Dad” and no one else thought this was a funny comment so I had to swallow a huge wave of laughter. Poor guys nicknamed Dick.
The issue of guys naming their bits is another one I’d like to explore. I actually think I’ll make COCK TALK a regular feature here and explore some aspect of cocks each time. So next time we can discuss naming.
I did date a guy who always called it “he” or “him” but never had a name for his balls. Somehow that seems so much crazier.
I admit to having one relationship where somehow we ended up naming his cock. It was when I lived in Japan and the guy in question was named Kobayashi and we were co-workers . Some how we started calling his cock ‘Kazu Kobayashi’ (well, Kobayashi Kazu). Unfortunately, we worked with a guy called Kazu and every time we had to talk to him at work we would both crack up. Poor Kazu (the guy) never understood.
Sometime I’ll share the story of what happens when a drunk American shouts the Japanese word for pubic hair really loudly on a crowded subway train.
EM, that sounds like a tale I’d like to hear…and it would be fun to learn the Japanese names of various body parts…
Dang, I shouldn’t have read any of the other comments before I commented, because I’m laughing too much to remember the real doozies. Um… Piston o’ love. Obelisk.